Well, on June 18th we had to hospitalize your grandfather (my dad) in markham stouffville hospital.

He was diagnosed with dementia (FTD: frontal temporal dementia) exactly four years ago. On June 18th, he started charging on my mom and your dad, he kept on hitting and beating them. No one could calm him down or control him. I was on the second floor in the bedroom with you, calling 911 to come and get him.

They came, injected sedatives, took him to the hospital, restrained him, and…well, I hope you never get an idea how hard this might be.

I will write down all details of that night for you, later. But the purpose of this one is just a quick note, honey:

This same thing, or many other bad things might happen to the dearest and nearest people around us. But no matter what, life goes on.

Be strong to confront anything if (god forbids) it ever happens to you, yourself. Make sure the people close to you are ready and know your wish.

Be strong if such difficult and disastrous things happens to people you love, try to help them, but make sure you will live your life.

If it ever happens to me, ask trained personnel to take care of me, love me, but do not sacrifice your life for me. I love you. But if I am in the stage where my father is now, I am not sure if I will have meaningful emotions. It means, I might not even be able to love people.

I never want to be under life support. Death is supposed to happen to every living thing (at least up to this date no one has survived death). So, be brave and ask for no life support. In addition, if I get to a stage, that I do not know you, your father, my brother and my mother, or if I get to a stage where I cannot keep my dignity, I would prefer to die. Please be strong and ask for euthanasia for me.

As I am writing these words, you are sleeping, and I am watching you on baby monitor.

As I am writing these words, I have no idea what my dad is doing, and what is going on in his (badly damaged) brain.

God bless you, honey.

God helps my father. Between you and I, I do wish he was dead.

The last conversation we had with him about you, several days after he was hospitalized:

– Do you remember my baby?

-Yes.

-What was her name?

-Deeba.

-Yes, Deeba. The baby.

-Yes. The beautiful baby.

Oh, honey. You are adorable, precious and lovely.