There is something i would like you to know sooner or later. You might have realized it by now, but anyways…

Your father and I had the deepest love I have seen between a couple for one another. This very deep love didn’t happen overnight. We worked on it. We needed one another. We had extremely hard times. I was mentally and emotionally very unstable during my early twenties and late teenage years. Your father helped me, tolerated me, loved me. It all passed. Partly to save our marriage and partly for other reasons we immigrated to Canada. This was the best decision I have ever made up to this date.

Well, to be fair my mom helped us a lot. She believed in our love, and pursuaded my father and my grandparents. My family never asked for anything of financial value from your dad’s family. Again, to be fair, your dad’s family also went easy with some of their very strong beliefs that I didn’t accept at all. It was a big deal. We had very fundamental disagreements. But after all, it was the love between your dad and myself to make it all happen.

I am not sure who you will end up with. I even do not care about your sexual orientation, if you are a homosexual, or a straight person. But whoever it is, there are two very critical matters to remember: the two of you should respect one another, and the two of you should (really) care for one another.

And again, do not forget; love and happiness doesn’t happen over night. Both parties should work on it.

If I am born for another 100,000 times, I will marry your dad in all my future lives.

I am confused. I am registered on a website, and it tells me that today I entered week 29. Based on my doctors’ calculations though, I should enter week 29 on Wednesday. The two calculations are 3 days apart.

Today or on Wednesday, the funny thing about week 29 is, the baby may start dreaming!!! What does she/he dream about? I can’t be sure. And the baby can hear keenly.

There is another funny thing. Sometimes, once or twice a day, I feel something like a very tiny delicate vacuum with a diameter of almost 1 centimeter inside my tummy is sucking it in for a couple of seconds! is the baby sucking at my tummy? is she/he pinching inside my tummy, or…. only God knows!

You may not understand the feeling, I should say before I start my story. But well, read it.

I was at high school. It was in Iran. I was around 17 years old. For many many years music was frowned at in Iran. For many years cassette tapes were smuggled into the country, and we had to go to some black market people to purchase them. They used to be in specific places: Vali asr square, Vali asr street, 25 Shahrivar square, Mirdamad near Mohseni square,….

At the time, you couldn’t hear music on the streets or anywhere in public places. You may not understand how big of a deal this teeny tiny matter might be. I can tell you, it is a big deal.

Anyways, I was passing through “Park Kourosh” to get to our house. I usually got off a taxi in front of Park Kourosh on Shariati street, passed across the park to get home. There was a small place, like a big cabin, in the middle of the park. At the time it was a “cultural centre”. I don’t know how to explain it for you. Your dad might be able to explain better. Anyways, as I was passing I heard a very beautiful music with a male silky voice, singing. I felt in love with the song on the megaphone. I couldn’t resist going inside. I asked for the cassette tape. It was an approved tape (I will tell you what it means in the following paragraphs). It was one of the best Iranian singers I have ever known: Mohammad Nouri. It was his new album. Even at the time (early 90’s) he was a nice lovely old man. I purchased it.

I didn’t bring any of those cassettes to Canada with me. Soon cassettes were so outdated, and no-one kept cassette recorders. It was the era of CDs and DVDs. But now, I do not have those many CDs and DVDs. I go online to listen to music.

During pregnancy, I listened to his songs on YouTube many times. My favourites are “Jaan e Maryam” and “Chi misheh ghosseh maa ro yeh lahzeh tanhaa bezaareh”. Those songs date back to some good old golden days of Iran, before 1979.  Interestingly, I cannot remember which song was being played on that spring mild day in Park Kourosh. It doesn’t matter. It was a song, a beautiful one, sang by a kind man with a silky voice.

—-

Khomeini banned music after the Iranian revolution. But some time before he died, he, somehow removed the ban. He, however, said that music should be “islamic” and should not be a music of “ghanaa”. Ask your dad what “ghanaa” is, and he should be able to explain it to you. Anyways, the approval criteria was rather subjective. You could listen to it and consider it as “islamic”; I could have a different idea. Female voice had to be in the background, and mixed with male voices. Female solo singers couldn’t sing, except in ladies-only concerts, where there was no recorder (hence no cellphones, after cellphones became paradigm after late 90s)

This new comment from Khomeini opened the gate in around 1986-7, shortly before he died. The very first song that was approved was “ey saarebaan aahesteh raan kaaraam e jaanam miravad”. People fell in love with that song. Well, it was a long awaited song, and lyrics were made by “Saa’di” a renowned iranian poet of the 7th century hejri shams.

Interestingly and ironically enough, this song was played in memory of Khomeini after his funeral.

Nowadays, there are many approved songs in Iran. Sometimes you get surprised by the types of the songs that are being approved.

Some basement bands also formed in Iran. They are really good. Their musics are not approved, but because of the digital music era, they publish their musics online, or send them to specific satellite channels. I don’t listen to them much. I could never relate to them. But I don’t deny, they do a great job.

—-

Iranians love music, dancing and singing. Leave a bunch of them together, call it a small party or picnic, and the next thing you know, they start singing together, especially if one of them knows how to play a music instrument. 😀

—-

One of my candidate names for a girl was Nakisa. Nakisa is said to be a female Iranian court musician for “Sassanids” around 3000 years ago. She is mentioned to have composed the national anthem of the time.  She was a master harp player.

Your dad preferred the name Deeba for girls. So, Nakisa was eliminated from the list.

We were seriously thinking of getting a 3D ultrasound, get a DVD, some 3D photos, as well as a CD of the heartbeat of the baby.

We changed our mind.

I found an article on the web, dated 2007, which indicated 3D ultrasounds are a bit controversial. It might cause extra heat for the child.

My own doctor, who is really easygoing, said that I shouldn’t go for 3D ultrasound that often. So, knowing him, and knowing that he never said I should take extra cautions except for this one, we decided not go for 3D ultrasounds.

And…

One funny thing. I don’t know how things will be when you are reading these lines in almost 20 years (perhaps). But these days when I go for an ultrasound, they ask me not to use my iPad when I am lying on the bed. It interferes with their u/s signals and creates noise!

One of the most frustrating questions during pregnancy is when they ask you whether you feel the movements of the baby! They start asking this question as early as when you are in week 10 or 12!!! And, by they I mean the whole world (except of course your doctor, who knows that you perhaps shouldn’t).

Well, for me, I was so nervous I was not feeling anything. This was up until weeks 22, 23 when I started feeling something. And, it continues till now.

I was getting so nervous and concerned about not feeling anything, your dad got me one of those small instruments (don’t know what its name is) to listen to the heartbeat of the baby and make sure she/he is fine.

My mom was also ecstatic, asking me from time to time whether I felt anything, begging to be there when we listened to the heartbeat. Well, it all passed anyways. Now, the baby moves and I feel it. BUT, some of the days the baby moves much more, and some other days she/he is just quieter, keeping the movements at a minimum.

For me, these moves are the cutest things during pregnancy.

And…baby, if you grow up enough to read these lines, remember this, before the end of 5 months (week 22, 23) there should be no worries if the movements of a baby are not felt! This is especially for the first pregnancy, when moms still do not know how it should feel like.

Well, it is also said that during your second, third,…. pregnancies you feel the movements much earlier, as early as week 16. To be very honest, sometimes I felt something like butterflies in my stomach. But I could never tell if it was the baby, bowl movement, or just my imagination. I started feeling (imagining?!) them around weeks 18 and after. Some people say it feels like passing gas!!!

Anyways, passing gas or other, if I see a mom-to-be, I will tell her not to worry if she doesn’t feel (or imagine?) anything before weeks 22/23.

You are either a boy or a girl. There is no third option that I know of! Either case, it would be useful if I share some of my pregnancy experiences with you. You will get pregnant yourself, or your wife will get pregnant, or someone around you, a colleague, a friend, a person you care for gets pregnant.

There is no more than one way to get pregnant! Of course, it can be natural or assisted. But in the end of the day, they are both the same.

There are, however, countless ways of “being pregnant” or “handling pregnancy”. Some, you can control. Some, you can’t.

I can categorize those countless ways into three main categories:

Very lucky pregnants, normal pregnangts, and really unlucky pregnants.

The very lucky pregnants (midwife tales: pregnancy with a baby boy) do not feel much during their pregnancy. They are still of (almost) the same level of energy, no nausea, no vomitting, no insomnia, no craving, no food aversion, nothing, nothing. It is just the size of their body that changes.

The normal pregnants are more or less like me. I felt miserable for six to eight weeks in months 2 and 3. It started getting better and better after week 13~14. I had headache. I had vertigo twice. I had no energy. It was as if I had taken a mild sedative. As a result, I had to defer two of my exams (I was doing an MBA at the time. I am still on an MBA program). I hated the smell of the food when it was being cooked. I couldn’t eat in big portions. I couldn’t eat anything but liquids at night. I vomitted in the morning just twice. My mom (your granny) and my husband (your dad) took care of EVERYTHING during that time. The next 10 weeks were ok. I was almost back to normal, except that I had to take more rest, and my breath was short. I still preferred not to cook, but I could have, if I really had to. Now starting in week 26, I am feeling more tired. I need to stay in bed for long hours. I am keeping my activities to a minimum. I have some insomnia! I do not have that much of appetite, but fortunately, I can eat healthy and enough food. Headach and nosebleeding still bothers me from time to time in the mornings. And…I rarely had headaches before getting pregnant in the first 38 years of my life. In fact, I know exactly I had headaches just three times during all my life and before getting pregnant!!!

The unlucky pregnants have the worst symptoms, including craving, food aversion, sleeping issues, fatigue, nausea, vomitting, vertigo, and many more during the whole nine months. They cannot eat anything! Sometimes they have bed rest for the full nine months, or for the first three months.

So, heads up, if you, your loved ones, or a woman around you gets pregnant, you need to be careful. Pregnant women might need more rest. The easiest things might be a challenge to them. Help them, as much as you can.

If you are planning to get pregnant, make sure you will have someone around to help you A LOT. If your significant other is getting pregnant, make sure that you are around to take care of everything, in case is she is not in her best shape.

And beware, some women get REALLY sensitive or depressed or anxious (overall emotionally unstable) during pregnancy.

One last thing: despite all those things, I was a very happy pregnant woman. Your dad was wonderful and took care of everything. Your granny was around, and ecstatic about you. I was so content, I was seeing so much love and care around me.

And…when the baby kicks and moves, it is soooooooo cute. It is like tickling. Yet, it is a big concern to me when the baby stop moving and kicking! I wish my belly was transparent, so that I could make sure that the baby is fine, safe and sound.

I am in week 28 of pregnancy. I had my last ultrasound in week 18. It was a funny one.

In the very beginning, and before the technician puts the probe on my belly, I was telling her that I was a bit concerned, because I didn’t feel the movements of the baby. She put the probe on my belly and the first words out of her mouth was: She moves like crazy!!!

She spent almost 40 minutes to do a job that she could have done in 15 minutes, if the baby “didn’t move like crazy”!! She was getting really overwhelmed and frustrated; I could see it in her face and in her voice. The baby didn’t stop for even a second so that she can measure.

She, then, called the father in the room. Gave us some print outs and said that the baby seems to be a girl. 🙂

Well, in week 28, I am still not sure. The technician was not quite sure herself, and anyways, week 18 ultrasound isn’t 100 percent accurate. Honestly, I really do not care much it it is a girl or a boy. As long as the baby is happy, I will be fine.

One thing that kept me really concerned was the health of the baby. The risk of the down syndrome based on the pre-screening test was one in 630. I didn’t go for amniocentesis, because of the 1 in 200~400 risk of miscarriage. But in the end, I thought whatever the hell. Even if the baby has down syndrome or any other problem, I will love him/her. So, I started enjoying it. If there are reasons to worry, I will know after the baby is born.

So, we picked two names, one for a girl and one for a boy: Deeba, or Aran.

And, we decided we won’t buy anything gender specific. The theme of the babyshower will be in neutral colors. and…the babyshower will not be a conventional ladies-only cheesy western style party. It will be a wild party of drinking and dancing; some real celebration, with guys and gals. The ladies-only babyshowers that I have been to, have been boring. Something to gather gifts and presents, and well…really really dull. My shower should be my style.

Pregnancy is such a funny thing! I feel nauseated, and tired, and….soooo lazy.

The matter is, I have lots of work to do for my school.

Eating is a big challenge, and I know I have to eat healthy and sufficiently for Soli or Goli to grow. She or he relies solely on me for getting the nutritions, and well, this is the first responsiblity as you start having a child.

I haven’t forgotten the responsiblity towards myself either. I am trying as hard as I can to study and do my homework.

Accomplishing both, is really difficult. But well, this is mother nature, the stupid mother nature that leaves you with no other option!

At specific stages, the problems are no one’s fault. During puberty, during pregnancy, when you loose a beloved one, or if your beloved ones are sick, you can never blame anyone. It is all about this damn funny mother nature.

I think she is still in its learning curve, and never bothered to improve the world it created!

Well, there is no need to fight against it at this point. I have to accept it all, and do as best as I can.

Soli or Goli jaan, my biggest concern is about your health. People ask me whether I want a girl or a boy. The more I think about it, the more I realize I really do not care. Boys are as lovely as girls.

My biggest and deepest wish is for your health. I will know more about it in 5~6 weeks.

At that point, my nausea will start getting much better, or at least this is everyone says, unless if I am one of those very unlucky women whos nausea takes all over their pregnancy!

The very good thing about nausea is that, the risk of miscarriage is much lower if there is nausea. Nausea means that hormones (needed to keep the baby in the womb) are on a surge.

Anyways….I am fighting to accomplish my goals and keep Soli/Goli healthy.

I will be back.

Well, it seems that we both like it better when I am not home, and somewhere at school studying!!

I can eat better at least.

I am still too concerned about the risk of miscarriage, which is likely at my age of 38.

I am also nervous about the amnio test to ensure Goli/Soli has not chromosome defects.

I am going with one of the best doctors, whom I can trust. But well, the nightmare is, if there is a miscarriage because of the amnio and the results come back normal!!

The risk of no amnio will keep me awake until soli/goli is born.

I am trying to eat as much as I can. And, now I know as long as I am not home, I can be rather productive.

As I said, we both like it better when we are not home.

Well, dear Soli or Goli, I don’t think you are made for family life. And..I am happy for that. Independant people are always admirable.

I will be back.

Today was the first day of living together, and not for one another!

So, we woke up at around 9 in the morning, did a little bit of cleaning around in the bedroom, went down for a yummy breakfast, went out for a little bit of walk, and sat down to review accounting!!

Except the feeling of nausea, I have no other complaints today.

Last night, I let two of my closest friends know about my pregnancy. Neda and Negar, as well as Pouria and Neda’s mom were so excited about the whole matter and we had a big laugh over it.

So, these were the second group of people that Goli or Soli made laugh, and made happy.

The first group were my close family, my mom (exstatic about the news! I have been trying to calm her down), my brother and his wife.

So far, so good.

Let’s just pray for Soli or Goli to be born safe and healthy. It is all about this. The rest of it will take care of itself.

I will be back.